more manic ramblings from a loose string

I’ve been living too fast and too loose. thinking that all the good I do would come back tenfold one day.  that maybe i could break the cycle i as so carelessly born into and make something of myself. seems i cant tho. i keep ending back at square one: alone and with nothing trying to find a way and the will to keep going. kinda crazy isn’t it? how in a matter of a few short weeks you go from having it all to nothing at all. from feeling a sense of belonging to feeling like a waste. i always wondered why this was my life…then i realized its my own toxicity. i want to feel needed i want to feel loved that ill let anybody treat me any way just because i want a little of that feeling…that security…i cover pain with smiles and tears with laughs acting as though i enjoy this path..when i want more..so much more than to be somebody after thought. their floor mat and I’ve even been a punching bag once or twice in the past for some. but i have never been the light. the sunshine the warmth. always the dark lonely hole I’ve dug for myself. I’ve spent so much time focused on the kind of love i don’t want and the kind of person i cant let myself become…that i pushed myself straight into it. I’ve hit rock bottom and then feel even further than that. the value i had on the things i held tight is no longer there. the world has finally broken the spirit that burned so bright.  I’ve lost all sense of who i am and the quiet possibly strength to keep fighting to find her. i am slowly becoming content with being this sad broken version of a girl because in the end i have no one but myself to blame.

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I didn’t love myself
So I thought
His “love” would
be enough to fill me up
To cover the holes
And fill the cracks
Until I felt whole again
But his love
Wasn’t love
It was something deeper
Something darker
A disease beneath his skin
Growing within the place
His heart should be
His “love” flowed like ink
Darker than black
His words settling on my skin
Like words on paper so thin
They almost tear through
Cutting me deep
As
It slithered
Dark and slimy
Until my heart was covered
And silent
Choked out by words he said
And the actions he gave

Personal Hell

standing on the edge

i look down and take a deep breath

I hear the voices behind me crying

begging

please

stop

begging

don’t go

but something nudges me

like

a voice in the back of my head

something telling me i deserve this

this personal hell i’ve created for myself

this dark and lonely place

where the pain and sadness play

and anger and hate walk hand in hand

my breath catches

my arms spread

like wings

and the wind rushes beneath my arms

before

it all

goes

….black

 

 

Hidden Figures

Hiding my flaws because ive heard it all

the voices screaming in my head

and in my face

taunting me

telling me

no nigga will ever love me

im far too flawed

so i pretend to be happy

and hide the pain

behind a wide, quick smile

and a loud laugh

to mask the darkness seeping through

and the monsters creeping out

from deep within my mind and heart

Mama always told me

“baby hide those demons, never let them show

because when they see them

theyll leave you sad and lonely

broken and alone”

but…isnt it beautiful

the pain?

the darkness that resides within us

hiding our secrets and fears

the darkness that knows our every thought

fear

feeling

our every hope, our every dream

isnt loving, the way it wraps its arms around us

taking our whole being

and

accepting us?

why should i hide who i am?

hide the pain that made me beautiful

the sadness that made me loving?

why bury these things?

why hide who i am inside, and become someone im not?

why not embrace my inner monsters

and allow them to flow free

to escape

and help me grow and finally be free?

 

 

I gave a man my heart

I gave my heart to a man
And for a while, he cherished what he had in his hands
He held it softly and gently
Careful not to break it
Staring wonder at how it beat so beautifully
I gave my heart to a man
And he kept it tucked in the pocket of his pants
Taking it with him everywhere
So we could always be together
I gave my heart to a man
And watched as he began to care less
Peeking under my eyes
As he left my heart laying around
I gave my heart to a man
I watched as he held it in his hands
Staring in amazement as he regarded it
Turning it over, studying it
Stroking it before suddenly throwing it
I looked down, ashamed for what I’d done
Giving my heart once again to the wrong one

Feelings

 

I’ve never felt so
Connected
To somebody
So at home
So at peace
So comfortable
So open, I loved it
I turned to you for everything
To make me laugh when I hurt
To push me up when I fell
You became my best friend
You saw the damage inside me
and
all the pain I carry
The scars than ran deeper than skin
it didn’t scare you away
Instead you saw how strong
it could make me
How my pain could mold my happiness
You saw in me all the things
everyone else couldn’t see
And
In you I saw the man you’d be
I got to watch you grow
From boy to man
From selfish to selfless
The closer you got to God
The closer you got to my heart
It was like
Everything about you
set my soul on fire
And my body aglow
I’ve never met anybody who made me feel so good
It was amazing
And scary
So
So
Scary
To feel myself
Fall
Utterly
Hopelessly
In love

Lost it

Somehow we lost it. You used to be my best friend. My number one confidant and partner in crime. You were so much more than just my “man”. You were somebody my soul cried out for. Tho the connection was instant the love came gradually. For me it started in the way your eyes looked at my body. At my face. Like I was the most beautiful thing you’d ever seen. I felt so carefree with you. Weightless. I forgot my problems. My pain. My sorrows and worries. You melted it all away. I knew I could turn to you for anything…and then…it changed. The kisses became less frequent. The I love you’s went unsaid and ignored. Everything became a fight. Instead of pulling me close at night, holding me tight to your chest..you began to push me away. Turn away from me…you stopped looking at me like I was blessing and instead looked at me like I was nothing. I stopped feeling loved I stopped feeling wanted. I’m not innocent I played a part too, I closed you away and shut down when I felt the pain. But then I tried. I fought so hard to save our love…but you stepped back. You stopped caring. I brought t up only to be shut down with “you’re crazy” and “you think you know everything” “things are going to b ok things are going to change” but what changed? You tried to pacify me and tell me what you thought I wanted to hear but the whole time you sat in my face telling lies. I felt my heart breaking and now Im faced with a decision. Stay and believe or pack up and leave? But leaving somebody you love is easier said than done..

Again?

Here I am. Heart broken again. But I have no one to blame but myself. See I constantly put myself in these situations and it leaves me broken and angry. I see how things are and yet I still push forward with hope that it’ll change. I ignore the signs and choose to be blind to what’s unfolding right in front of my eyes. Being completely ignorant to the fact that the man I love was pulling slowly away. I acted as if I did not feel the distance or the cold space between us. But then the coldness crept in and the darkness faded away and I finally admitted and saw. I finally began to see how I continued to allow myself to survive off of false hope and empty dreams and ignore the reality that sat in front of me. And now I’m left sitting, trying to figure out how much longer I can allow myself to be walked over before I put my foot down?

Excerpt of a confused heart

Here I am. Heart broken again. But I have no one to blame but myself. See I constantly put myself in these situations and it leaves me broken and angry. I see how things are and yet I still push forward with hope that it’ll change. I ignore the signs and choose to be blind to what’s unfolding right in front of my eyes. Being completely ignorant to the fact that the man I love was pulling slowly away. I acted as if I did not feel the distance or the cold space between us. But then the coldness crept in and the darkness faded away and I finally admitted and saw. I finally began to see how I continued to allow myself to survive off of false hope and empty dreams and ignore the reality that sat in front of me. And now I’m left sitting, trying to figure out how much longer I can allow myself to be walked over before I put my foot down?

Rebirth

Through the pain she bloomed and grewBlossomed became something new

Like

A flower in the spring

She used her pain to water her soul

To feed her growth 

And begin her metamorphosis 

Like a caterpillar to a butterfly she changed

Took her curse and made it a blessing

Made it a reason to smile

A reason to breathe a reason to live

Used it as her voice to speak

A way to reach

The broken girls like her

The flowers blooming from concrete