Past Gone

Staring at the past
images floating by
of moments come and gone
as i lose myself more and more in the botttle
looking for you
leaving me strung out
crashing and feening
like an addict
for the love that was once mine
seeing your face
smiling at someone who isnt me
leaves me breathless
with a pain
close to my chest
almost as if a hole has sprouted
and grown
sucking out all the life and joy
i once had inside
like a blackhole
leaving me with nothing
but
the pain
the memories
the way you laughed at me
the way you kissed and looked at me
each moment freezing
leaving me to live it over and over
like a scratched disk
skipping and freezing on the same part
leaving me to relive it again and again
each more fresh than the last
until i can take it no more
smashing the bottle
i hit the floor
lay
and close my eyes
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5 am ramblings of a confused heart

I never thought I would be that girl. The one up all night close to tears because her hearts so confused she doesn’t know what to do. so lost and lonely she doesn’t know where to go. so torn between loving him and loving herself that shes just there. an un-assembled puzzle waiting to be fixed. so overwhelmed with emotion all she can do is sit and stare at the screen re-reading messages and looking at the pictures trying to figure out when she became this girl. this emotional, emotionless being. this wandering ghost of her former self….and yet here i am. that girl. the girl whose trying to save a 3000 mile relationship because shes too lost and confused to want to let go of the only person to see that light in her and coach it until it shines brightly like a beacon in the night. because that’s what he did. helped that light grow until it consumed my whole body and everybody could see it. gave me such a rush of emotion i didn’t know how to take it. It was all so much to take in at once that IĀ fell, rushing into this too hard, too fast, too reckless. gave too much love too soon. spent countless nights crying because he wasn’t ready to commit, to give me him like i gave him me. spent months torn between joy and pain until i made a life changing decision and finally got air and clarity and asked myself…is this love for me?