Just pretend

If you don’t love me, just pretend, a few hours more, 

Until we part, until we end

Just pretend

Until our bodies untangle

And our skin is no longer warm

Just pretend

Pretend to love me

Like you loved her, like you love her

Just pretend 

Pretend pretend to love me

Pretend pretend to care

Pretend it’s her under you

Pretend it’s real,

For a while more, my almost lover

If you don’t love me

Just pretend, hold me close 

and pretend a little more. 

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Scattered

Body reeling Sensations rolling

Tears falling

Man what am I feeling

Darkness falling covering surrounding

Sending me spinning

Careening 

Bouncing off everything

Falling and can’t see where the ground is

Can’t find my balance can’t find my feet

Can’t see can’t feel

Just darkness and tears

Can’t stop em

They keep flowing 

I’m confused

Can’t tell why I’m crying

Why I’m screaming

It’s almost like my mind is dying

And I can’t save it

I’m grasping tight

Trying to hold on

Trying to win this fight

With insanity

Or sanity

One of them

Trying to beat the demons

But they keep coming

I look crazy

I feel sound act it

Confused can’t answer questions right

Don’t ask what’s wrong

I can’t tell you

Cuz I don’t even know myself

Like I thought I did

All I know is the hollow in my gut

And the stinging in my eyes

The shaking in my limbs 

And the pain in my heart

As I surrender to the darkness again

And so I shall overcome

This post is a big one for me. This is me, opening up about my constant battle with mental….setbacks. It’s not something I talk about much or even open up about because I fear the reactions I’ll get from people. The pity looks, the “oh you’re just being a drama queen”s. The way people look and act differently around you after you open about it. But…I feel the only way I can get better, stronger and happier is by speaking on it. 

“Chronic ups and downs Feeling the highs lows so much harder than before..I know people are worried but I can’t say what’s wrong. If I say that means it’s true. I’m not ready to admit it, Not ready to encounter it.” – an excerpt from entry as I battled with the realization that I suffer from bipolar disorder. Which didn’t surprise me, I’ve battled with all the symptoms my whole life but feared speaking up about it because my family didn’t handle things like this well. So I fought the ups and downs my own way. With constant misbehaving as a child, overly social persona and eventually alcohol and drugs. I just wanted to feel normal, to feel stable. The older I got the worse it got. The ups would be so great and the downs would leave me broken on my floor shaking and crying for absolutely no reason at all. And now I’m 21 and instead of better it’s worse. I can’t have normal relationships, can’t be around people too long and don’t know how to respond when asked “what’s wrong?” I’m Not ready to embrace the real darkness that’s waiting to consume me with it’s cold fingers and icy breath. Waiting to drag me down the rabbit hole of mental illness, something I’ve been fighting all my life…but I’ve been fighting so long I’m getting tired now. It’s getting harder to cover up the downs, act like I’m fine and that I’m happy and positive. Getting harder to stay upbeat and laugh all the time. So im cutting this short, more to come later but I’m writing this post to tell myself I can and I will overcome and rise above. I will not let anxiety depression bipolar NOTHING stop me from my dreams. I refuse to hide and cry anymore.  

My silent tumble into despairĀ 

Just feeling fed up. Like I’m tired of this cycle. Tired of the ups and downs. Never staying steady constantly crashing. Can’t have too many good days without a bad week. Can’t start feeling too happy without the blues slithering back into my head. Trying to ignore that little voice but I can’t. It’s there. Everyday whispering to me, telling me everything I don’t want to know. Constantly pushing me to the edge. To the place I don’t want to go, to the darkness. To the comfort of the smoke and shots. To the numbing sensations I crave just as a way to escape this bitter feeling in my body…..
Crying but not sure why. Full to the brim of things I never said and should have never did. I knew this would be the outcome but I did it anyways. Thinking maybe this time I’m strong. Maybe this time it’s different. Looking at my decisions contemplating if this is even the right thing. The right choice. I’m happy though. And that’s all that should matter except…the guilty feeling eating at my skull. Knowing what I did wasn’t what he wanted knowing its leaving him in pain…or is it? Or is this just another game he’s playing, a way to pull me back in because he knows I’m weak. He knows how much I care and would do anything…
But….I can’t keep sacrificing my happiness and sanity just to please others. I can’t keep killing myself just to make sure everyone else is living. It’s draining. It’s depressing it’s making my life worse instead of better. But at the same time my happiness is hurting people around me. I know I hurt my mom and dad with the way I did it. But I felt like this was it. My only option my only choice my only escape. 

Unspoken

God wouldn’t put me somewhere if it wasn’t right. If it wasn’t part of his plan. And I trust and know he has a plan for me. A reason for me being here, where I am, doing what I’m doing. It may not be clear to me, but that’s fine now. I’ve decided to stop questioning and just let God. He knows me better than I do so I know he’s got my back. I know he’s got good things in store for me. I just have to be patient and let him do his magic. 
I’m really allowing my emotions to get the best of me. I knew what I was doing, what I was getting myself into. So I have no right to always act weird. But I can’t help it. I’m trying really hard to relax and just act like I’m fine but eventually it all bubbles up and just makes it worse than it was. And I know I’ve changed and been acting weird but idk what changed so idk how to fix it. 
I wanna talk about it but I don’t know how. How do I bring it up? How do I say what I feel? When it’s something I really don’t have a right to feel. But really I kind of do. No who am I playing. I don’t. I don’t have the right to be annoyed. The right to be moody. I am nobody. I am the friend. So I must remember my place and stay there. Remember my role and stick to it.  

Pen and paper over mouth and words

It’s like I can’t explain my feelings unless I have paper in front of me. My mouth don’t work the way my fingers do when I got the pen in front of me. The way the words flow and spread across the paper like a spilled puddle. But when I sit in front of somebody and open my mouth nothing comes out. Just sounds and expressions no words. I sit in front of people scared to speak because I don’t want to say the wrong thing. I know my thoughts and mouth don’t work together as one sometimes. But the paper and pen dance with my mind like old friends. I just wish my mouth could do the same. 

The pieceĀ 

You played me,Like a sweet symphony 

Hitting each note with such a delicacy 

Such sweetness and tenderness

As you played you took claim

Of this lonely heart

Warming it up, bringing love out again

Leaving me thinking

Maybe he’s different, he’s not the same

And so you played on and on

Drawing me deeper into your performance

As the sounds of my viola string heart

Climbed and grew with you

Wrapping around you and engulfing you

The more I played, the more I gave

The less you played, the less I got

As my music rose and climbed and peaked

Yours faltered, grew soft and faded away

Until

It ended

Completely 

And this duet became a solo

Of a lonely heart crying out

Finally Free

Five years young I felt the pain of the worldHad to grow up so fast it left me lost

Wandering around trying to find myself

Reliving the pain 

Over

And 

Over

Again

Feeling the darkness creep in

As the memories begin again

Feeling the pain brand new

Almost as if it was fresh again

Reliving the pain

The confusion

Wondering how somebody I loved

Trusted 

With my young five year old naivety

Could be so cruel

So eager to please, I must have been the perfect victim 

I just wanted love

A little affection

They saw that and used that

Gaining my trust

My love, my affection

Waiting and preying on my vulnerabilities 

Striking when I was at my weakest

My most broken

Taking something treasured

Valued 

Something whose magnificence I knew nothing of

Too young to realize what was taken from me

But old enough to realize I’d lost something precious

Something important

Something I’d never get back

It left me broken

So lost and damaged

I couldn’t find my way

I hid it

Pretended it never happened

Until the memories started

And the pain began 

And I realized I had to speak

Had to tell

Had to open my mouth

And speak for the girls like me

The broken queens

Who wandered through life so sadly

So I screamed shouted and told my story

And with each word

With each phrase

I felt the pain

The control he had over my life

Ease away

Until I became that free girl again

Shaking away broken chains

And embracing my pain

Unknown

up late into the lonely hour, reveling over the things i miss, the things i want. my mind…is so full of…what? everything? something? nothing? everything. wanting to fix things that changed. broke. wanting to go back to how it was, how it should be. but i can’t because i dont know how. how i’ve changed how it changed. how to fix it. become right. its leaving me anxious andd worried. wondering about my worries and decisions. asking is it worth it? am i in the right? am i happy? asking questions i don’t have the answer to….
i don’t like that my problems scare those i love away…but it can’t be helped. its left me fearful to open and explain..explain away this pain, these tears, the hurt. i don’t want to be like this anymore. lonely and afraid. i want to open up, be seen be heard, be loved and held. cherished. but i don’t want to open and let them because then ill have to accept that these problems are real and accept that maybe i do need to open and let somebody in to repair the damage so i can become whole again.

rambling again

i once figured out, that i was placed here to merely make people happy and better for the people who came after me. i am here to better them and watch as they grow and become great. to show them how it is to have somebody to love and cherish them, even when they’re broken and alone. to show them it is possible to in fact become whole again. and though these things make me happy, its a sad terrible happiness. because my love is hardly ever given back. it is a one sided love. sent out from me to everyone around me, and returned to me from no one. and knowing this for a while it made me hurt. made me sad and weak to the thoughts of the dark. it left me empty and bitter. hurt and confused..but then…then i realized…that the more i accepted it, the better i would feel. and yes, im still lonely at times, but others im full of so much joy it threatens to break me.