Chronic ups and downs Feeling the highs lows so much harder than before..I know people are worried but I can’t say what’s wrong. If I say that means it’s true. I’m not ready to admit it, Not ready to encounter it
Not ready to embrace the real darkness that’s waiting to consume me with it’s cold fingers and icy breath. Waiting to drag me down the rabbit hole of mental illness, something I’ve been fighting all my life…but I’ve been fighting so long I’m getting tired now. It’s getting harder to cover up the downs, act like I’m fine and that I’m happy and positive. Getting harder to stay upbeat and laugh all the time when I’m constantly reminded of my short comings. My almost had its and not good enoughs. Can’t explain it when I’m asked to because the words won’t come to my mouth. All I can say is “nothing. I’m fine.”
Another things is I don’t want to talk about it. Don’t want to have to see the looks on their faces as they realize I’m more fucked up then they could have imagined. I can’t keep going through life letting people in only to be disappointed when they go and do exactly what they swore not to or when they see what’s in my head and it scares them. I feel it’s best to just stay quiet and distant. Keep it all bottled in so that I don’t hurt myself or anybody else. Because it’s safer that way. Less tears, less yelling, less “I don’t understands” less having to explain to people who will never understand. Instead I’ll keep coming to this. My blog. To speak to the few faceless readers who don’t know me, but somehow understand me.