So up but so down 

Chronic ups and downs Feeling the highs lows so much harder than before..I know people are worried but I can’t say what’s wrong. If I say that means it’s true. I’m not ready to admit it, Not ready to encounter it 

Not ready to embrace the real darkness that’s waiting to consume me with it’s cold fingers and icy breath. Waiting to drag me down the rabbit hole of mental illness, something I’ve been fighting all my life…but I’ve been fighting so long I’m getting tired now. It’s getting harder to cover up the downs, act like I’m fine and that I’m happy and positive. Getting harder to stay upbeat and laugh all the time when I’m constantly reminded of my short comings. My almost had its and not good enoughs. Can’t explain it when I’m asked to because the words won’t come to my mouth. All I can say is “nothing. I’m fine.” 
Another things is I don’t want to talk about it. Don’t want to have to see the looks on their faces as they realize I’m more fucked up then they could have imagined. I can’t keep going through life letting people in only to be disappointed when they go and do exactly what they swore not to or when they see what’s in my head and it scares them. I feel it’s best to just stay quiet and distant. Keep it all bottled in so that I don’t hurt myself or anybody else. Because it’s safer that way. Less tears, less yelling, less “I don’t understands” less having to explain to people who will never understand. Instead I’ll keep coming to this. My blog. To speak to the few faceless readers who don’t know me, but somehow understand me. 

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Still

Will you still love me when I’m not me? When my soul has left my body and my beauty has faded? 

Will you still love me when all I am is pain?

When everything is killing me and I can’t go on?

Will you still love me when life has come and gone?

When nothing is left but us and our memories? 

Will you still love me when all I can do is cry about what used to to be

What should be what could be

When my hands shake and my body aches?

Will you still love me then? 

Or will you leave, consumed by the desire

To stay young

To stay youthful 

And sane? 

Or will you stay and grow

Losing your soul and beauty with me

Watching life fade and go by 

With just our memories to survive? 

What my mouth won’t say

No human confidant so I turn to the pen and paper

Let the words flow and the pain go

Feel my soul rise

With every word I write

I can feel the pain slip away

As I tell my paper about my day

As I relay the events 

And situations that caused me to feel like this

Shaking, I let my paper catch my tears

And let my pen spill forth my fears

I let the words flow fast and heavy

Writing until my mind is ready

Safe
Still no human confidant in sight

Im two, three pages in and still I write

Letting it all out, letting it all go

Watching as the words run –

and flow-

Into each other

As my cramped hand digs through my minds clutter 

Fishing out what my mouth won’t say

And letting my fingers find a way

To say what’s hurting what’s aching

What’s got me crying and going crazy
Four five six pages in 

And I find myself crying again

I’m at the part I hate

When it becomes dark and late

And my mind begins to shake

Unravel and unroll

But my hand stays steady 

And continues to go

To write

To shine a light 

On all the things my mouth won’t say

Dance of passion

What are we doing dancing this crazy dance of passionCircling each other with eyes full of lust

Carnal desire clouded logical thinking

Alcohol warping our judgement

Making this idea

This terrible this painful idea

Suddenly seems like

The most perfect thing in the world

Two broken

Two damaged people

Coming together

Making music

With our cries

With our pain and souls

Singing a sad tragic song

Washing the world with our pain

What are we doing dancing this crazy dance of passion

Letting the lust

The loneliness

The pain and need to feel complete wash over us

Bring us together

And make us one

Don’t love him

He told me not to love himHe told me not to care

He told me he was broken

Damaged beyond repair

I couldn’t help it

I didn’t listen

I loved him with all of me

He told me he would hurt me

Told me I would cry

But did I listen?

No

Instead I stayed

I held on

I loved with all I had

Hoping

Wishing

Praying it would fix him

Make him all right

He told me please slow down

Love him a little less

But I couldn’t help it

I was hooked, I had an addiction

I gave him everything

All I had left

Loved him until I couldn’t love anymore

And when he left me

Broken on the floor

the pretty picture I tried to paint

Began to crack

Intimate Friendship

Step back take a break breathe in deepShits moving fast it’s getting crazy

Said no feelings but you calling me baby

Kissing and cuddling

Touching and rubbing

Got me feeling like I’m going crazy

This ain’t ok

It ain’t right

I’m not yo girl

I ain’t ya baby

No strings attached

But you pulling me back

Every time I try to distance myself

I feel your hands grab my hair

Pulling me closer

Deeper

Can’t risk it but damn when I leave I know Ima miss it

That body and then kisses

Ya hands on my hips

Shit I’m back in the trap again

Feeling yo skin on my skin

Damn you got me hooked 

I can’t keep doing this

But I know I will

So I grab your face again

Pull you close

Sink in

To this hole

This mistake

This terribly beautiful pain

And fuck like we not friends