A cry for help, a journey, and a brand new start

       I keep allowing myself to be used. Because I’m really just so empty, I’ll take anything just to feel alive. I’ll take a fraction of attention just to feel important. I’ll lie to myself saying it’s enough, this the last time, I won’t do it no more. Sad isn’t it?     Really it’s my addiction. Pain. The feeling I get as I sit in the dark curled in a ball questioning everything I’m doing. And with each day I feel a piece of myself getting lost. I feel myself slipping back into a pattern I thought I’d escaped. I’m close to becoming another statistic. Another black girl lost to the world. 

     I’m looking for something in all the wrong people and places. Looking for something to fill that void when really I should be focused on bettering myself. Growing and loving myself. I’ve spent so long hating so much about myself that now I’m scared to start that journey to self love. I’m scared of what I’ll find inside myself and my mind. Scared of loving myself and eventually loving someone else. And that brings me to my other problem. I’m so used to pushing away anyone I care about and bringing in people I barely know because I’d rather suffer the brief pain of being used by someone I knew would use me than be used and abandoned by someone I never thought would do that. 

      I don’t wanna let in people who I see care about me because I don’t want them to see, really see everything inside of me. The damages, the cracks, the pain, the ghost and monsters all hiding behind the smile I paint on everyday. I don’t want to let them see and experience Aliesha the depressed suicidal nutcase. Aliesha the insecure self hating self abuser. Aliesha the bipolar meltdown waiting to happen. I don’t want to let them see these vulnerabilities and hear them say how they’ll never leave never be scared always love care and protect me…..and find out it was all a lie.

      I can’t afford to let myself to continue to be so unhappy and full of self hate and doubt. I need to free myself from these chains and begin to really learn and grow. And I want to let these people in. They’re trying so desperately to show me they care and want to help but that fear keeps stopping me….and I don’t want that anymore. I want to let them in. I want to open up and be happy. Be loved. And love. I want to live. 

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Mini vent. Tbc…

    I keep allowing myself to be used. Because I’m really just so empty, I’ll take anything just to feel alive. I’ll take a fraction of attention just to feel important. I’ll lie to myself saying it’s enough, this the last time, I won’t do it no more. Sad isn’t it?     Really it’s my addiction. Pain. The feeling I get as I sit in the dark curled in a ball questioning everything I’m doing. And with each day I feel a piece of myself getting lost. I feel myself slipping back into a pattern I thought I’d escaped. I’m close to becoming another statistic. Another black girl lost to the world…..

Stream of consciousness 

I spent my life hearing how worthless I was. How flawed and damaged how I was. How I was nothing but broken and full of problems and no man would ever love me. I became and empty shell, a hollowed husk of some girl I don’t even know. I turned to drugs and drinks and sex just to feel better. I pushed away anyone I cared about. Wouldn’t let them get closer. I couldn’t stand the thought of letting anybody see what’s inside this shell. I drowned myself in distractions. This that and the third. Anything to pull my head away and numb it to the pain. I let people use me just so I could feel something. Something to remind me I’m alive. I started slipping and falling down a path. People got scared and thought they’d lose me. I saw my world growing darker and didn’t know how to fix it. So I turned to the darkness and embraced it. Let myself fall farther into that hole. Now I’m in so deep I don’t know how to get out. Every time I start to climb I fall back down amiss a shower of dark thoughts “you’re broken and damaged” “a slut no man will love” “you aren’t good enough and never will be” echoes around my empty soul as I curl into a ball in my dark hole.     I’ve hit the bottom again and I can’t find my way. I’m so lost and broken and confused I don’t know what to do. I got my second chance but I think I’m doing it wrong or am I doing it right? I can’t tell anymore all I can feel see and hear is the darkness surrounding me. 

    The doubts and negativity. The self hatred for who I am. I want to change. All of it. I hate myself. I don’t want to be this way anymore but I don’t know how to change. I don’t know how to escape the dark and seek out the light. I’m turning to god but I don’t know if he can even hear me anymore. I’m spent out from giving so much of myself just to feel a little less dead that now I’m beginning to think I’m worse than dead. 

     It’s gotten to where my sanity is so thin in some places I can’t even keep a train of thought going right. I’m jumping and skittering all over the place. I’ve got so many words and feelings jumbled up trying to escape that they’re all rushing out at once. I’m just lost. More lost than I was before, more broken than I’ve been. I’m screaming and begging for help but no one can hear me. 

Here

HereSitting

Feeling the emotions washing over me

Tears quietly flowing

As I surrender to the pain I’ve been hiding

Trying

Fighting

To keep it together

To hold on tight

But I can’t

I’m cracking

My facade breaking

I’m losing

Spinning

God where am I going?

I’m falling

Slipping 

Under that wave that’s been crashing

At the edge of my sanity

Vision fading darker and darker

Blackness tickling my conscience 

Body heavy

Heart heavier 

Mind unraveling

As these feelings keep spilling 

And tears running and flowing faster

I can’t even explain how I’m feeling

But it’s crazy

It’s heavy

I hate it but I crave it

Eyes heavy

Body like lead

I close my eyes and give in to the madness in my head

Untitle Explaination 

Pushing them outBecause I can’t let them in

Let them see

The ugly within

The pain and sadness that’s hidden

Behind the broken picture 

Of the girl I pretend

To be

So scared they’ll leave

Abandon me

Stranded and alone

Left to piece back together my broken soul

So I hide it

Push them away

Never let them in

Just let them get a taste

A tease

A sneak peak of me

Because that fear

That sadness

Is always in the back of my head

Poking at me

Telling me

It’ll all be the same

They’ll all leave

And I’ll be lonely

And broken

Again

The touch

The feel of your skin
The way I can feel you 

When you quietly creep in

The way you make my body rise

And rush

Tingle and scream

Is like nothing I’ve ever experienced

You take me higher

Than any drug I’ve ever had

Keep me soaring and flying

But grounded at the same time

Quiet gasps fall out my mouth

And across your lips as they devour mine

Pulling you in I feel the warmth of your skin

And your soul reaching for mine

I want to drown in this

Die in this

Or better yet devour this feeling

Over and over again

Until I get tired of it

Until I don’t taste your sweat on my tongue

Or your scent in my nose

Grabbing tighter

Pulling closer and harder

Pressing my body to yours

I want us to become one

I no longer want to be two beings

But one being

Combined

Caught in the thralls of love 

I mean lust

And passion

Losing ourselves

And finding ourselves

In one another