alone but not lonely

its so crazy. I’m surrounded by people but I’m so lonely. I’m so alone. none of them actually know me and know my thoughts and habits. they just know what i choose to show and let peek out. this loneliness is my own fault tho. i can’t and won’t let myself show. i won’t let people see the whole me. the broken sad me. the girl with the issues and hang ups. i don’t want to have to face the judgement, the way they’ll all treat me different just because of it all. i can’t stand the thought of scaring them away.

so i bottle it down. hold it in. smile and pretend I’m fine for as long as i can. then i quietly self destruct. i curl into a ball of blue feelings and let my heart pour from my eyes in an attempt to feel alright. i sit alone in the dark and face it all on my own because the fear of help is too overwhelming and crippling, that id rather face this alone than risk losing the people i love…

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Things Past

i miss the comfort i found in your voice

the understanding in your eyes

as you watched me break down and cry

the love in your touch when you held me

as i buried my head in your chest

and never wanted to move

i miss how you held me

deep into the night

softly stroking my back

until my sobs and gasps grew quiet

and my body got slack

how you still held me tight

even as i toss and turned all night

how i woke up in your embrace

and the first thing i saw was that smile on your face

i miss how we talked

late

late

late

into the night and early day

you listened to my voice, told me id be alright

but then it changed

more became less

all the time became rarely

the distance grew larger and understanding grew smaller

instead of drying my eyes

you became the reason i cried..

 

 

Secret addiction to this affliction

my secret addiction

my most favorite affliction

i cant sm to keep you away

but…i cant seem to make you stay

i have a sick addiction to learning the hard way. i like the pain of having my heart broken. why? because it reminds me that I’m still alive. that I’m not some empty shell walking through a misty world pretending to be some happy girl. that I’m actually here, i actually have some kind of substance left.

see I’m so broken that I’ve forgotten how it feels to be whole. to be a normal person full of joy. to wake up with a smile, feeling light and carefree. I’m so used to the heavy weight, the suffocating darkness that i crave it now. any break from it scares me. sends me back running to it. the comfort of the pain. its familiar.

I’m accustomed to people using and abusing me. id rather be hurt by the person i expect it rom than by the person i least expect it from. id rather give pieces of myself to people than give my whole self to one person and be left alone…because i can handle the small pain. i can handle my addiction in small doses. but the pain of being hurt by someone id never expect it from is just too much for my mind to handle. too much for me to carry on my shoulders…but at the same time i find myself wanting it. wanting to see if i can handle it. wanting to see if i can take the soul crushing heartbreak. in fact a sick part of me looks forward to it. to the terms, the sobs, the shaking in my limbs and the sleepless nights. because in those small broken moments ill know one thing for certain I’m alive.

A letter to granny

Hey granny. It’s been ten years since you took your place amongst the Angels. I’m writing this letter around free flowing tears and soft sobs. This weeks has been so hard for me. I’ve been quietly holding it in. I want to visit your grave. I want to sit and talk to you. Catch you up on all the things you missed.       I miss you. You were the backbone to this family, the glue. When you left it all fell apart so hard. You left us and we lost ourselves. We fought and argued, unraveled and disappeared. Mommy moved us to the other side of the country, away from everything we’ve ever known. But you know that already. I can feel you watching over us daily.   

    Are you proud of me? I know I made some mistakes but I’m trying to change, I promise I am. I know I was off my path but I’m back. I just want to make you and everyone proud. Are you proud? Proud of the women I grew up to become? Proud of who I’ll still become?

     I miss you so much granny. You’ve missed so much. Prom. Graduation. College. Milestones of my life that I wish I had you by my side for. I wish you were here, close. Wish I could just pop up at your house, sit on your couch and talk to you about life. Wish you could hear my problems and help me grow. We had such a short time together granny. Three short years that I’ll always cherish. Three years I spent thinking we had all the time in the world left. 

      I wish it wasn’t you. I wish the cancer would have left, at least gave you more time. It was so short. So painful. So long. I lost you and felt like I lost a big piece of myself. But….I still feel you granny. I still feel you when the family gets together. Still feel you when I listen to Christmas soul music. Still feel you when I look at my aunties. I know you’re gone but you’re here. I love you granny. 

The last nigga I loved…

See the last nigga I loved was the only nigga I loved. But then I wonder did I really love him? And I realize yes. Yes I did. With every emotional and mental fiber in my body. I craved the sound of his voice, his laugh, hearing him call me baby girl sent chills down my spine and warmed my heart. The last nigga I loved made me feel more alive than I’ve ever been. See I’m damaged and broken. I rarely let people in. I push and I push and I finally opened for him and it was the greatest thing I’ve ever felt. I felt accepted. Whole. Like I meant something. He saw in me what I never could. He fed my ego and mended my soul. Talking to him was like a drug that couldn’t get enough of. I wanted him all the time. His drive and ambition drove me crazy. Hearing speak on his dreams and goals. Listening to him talk business. Tell me about his plans and achievements. And it wasn’t in a bragging way. It was in a I want you to be apart of every part of my life. And I drank it up like it was water and I was dehydrated. 

My ex changed me. Molded me and shaped me. Made me better. More secure and confident. With him I felt amazing. I could call him at anytime for any reason. I ran to him for everything and he was there to catch me and listen. He made my problems his problems and it was greater than anything I’ve ever had. Instead of running from the hell I called my life he stayed. He held me down like no nigga had before. 

I wanted him forever. All I saw was him. Nobody else. I was so wrapped up in him I couldn’t see clearly. I was drunk on his affection and love and I never wanted to sober up…

Hopeless Romantic

in love with the idea of love

so I’m constantly rushing into love

giving up my body

letting every man wear me

fitting inside me so nicely

i almost forget why I’m so lonely

feeling a body beside me

even if its temporary

pleases me and boosts me

ignoring the fact that he don’t belong to me

i pretend to be happy

with these stolen moments

and hidden secrets

letting myself get treated like an option

and not a priority

i convince myself this is right

even as i cry to myself at night

because

I’m so in love with the idea of love

that I’m rushing into love

ignoring the proper route

signs and guidance

giving the world

and then some

to someone who cant do the same

but that’s what comes with the part i play

the hopeless romantic

who’s so lonely

she’ll do anything to make a man stay