Better days

Closed eyes crossed fingersPraying for a better life

Holding tight to the dream

Of being something better

Someone better

Needing to have a better life

Can’t take much more of this darkness

Tired of trying to swim free of the tide

That constantly pulls me in

And drowns me in its sorrow

Closed eyes I pray for a better life

Cross my fingers 

Open my eyes and find my shitty life

Still here

Screaming and yelling asking God why

Why must he punish me

Why must he test me

Can’t he see how weak I’ve become

How broken I am from carrying this burden he placed upon my shoulders

So beat down I can barely stand

Against the wind raging within

My mind body and soul

Whispering to me

Telling me

I can’t escape it I can’t run

Except maybe I can

Maybe I can get free

Maybe I can escape

If I just believe hope and pray

My life will change

So eyes closed fingers crossed 

I pray pray pray for a better life

A second chance to start over

And become someone new. 

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Unrelatable 

People who’ve never felt real painCan’t relate

They can’t understand the feeling

Of waking up everyday full of self hate

Looking in the mirror and wishing you were anybody but yourself

Of crying yourself to sleep each night

Hearing the echoing voices

Of people who were supposed to love you

Hurting you instead

Of feeling the hands and fingers

In places no child wants them

But yet there they are

Of being a grown woman

Waking up gasping in the night

Body shaking from memories

That you wished would stay buried

Hiding your body because you’re disgusted

With your own self

Because the memories of your actions haunt you

Day in and day out

People who’ve never experienced it can’t relate

They don’t understand the fear that lies inside

Of being touched by another man

The disgust you feel when you step out the shower

Of the voices telling you you deserved it

You’re worthless

Not good enough

Never have been or will be

They can’t wrap their heads around 

The feeling of fear of love

Of opening up yourself to a man

And being left broken and empty

While having ravished your body

Until he was full

He walks off with your soul

Of the fear that you’ll be another statistic

Another girl lost in the system

They will never understand the pain

You relive each day

The silent trophies you award yourself

For surviving another day

Week

Month

Year 

Without harm

Of slowly coming to terms with your beauty

And fighting the beast within your mind

Because they’ve never felt it so they don’t understand it

Again and Again

they keep asking me

why are you doing this again?

falling for it letting him in?

because, i reply, i cant keep him away

he is all i think about each day

you see, you only saw the tears

and the pain when id come to you

lost and confused because all of this was so new

to me, to us, to him

i didn’t know how to handle all of the love i felt inside

and he didn’t know how¬†to change and handle it either

so we blidnly stumbled along

pushing away and pulling closer with each mistake

see you didnt see the way he looked at me

the way he held me, changed me, loved me

didnt see how he lit up my life

made me feel strong like i could do anything

instead of seeing the broken girl the world saw

he saw the beauty in me

looked past the darkness life brought me

and saw the real me

and loved me

in his own fucked up way

he loved me

saw the potential in me i could never see

he saw the light hiding behind the darkness

the joy, the love, the endless possibilities

and he brought them out

no matter how many times my fear pushed him away

he kept pushing, kept loving

he showed me that im not what i thought i was

im not my past, im not my mistakes

i keep going back because he is it for me

he is all i want

all i need

he is the only one to open me, see me, and love me

show me all the things i was missing

and all the things i needed.

 

My last nigga cont. (rambling)

See my last Nigga caught me by surprise. I never expected to feel that way about him. I never expected myself to love him. I wanted to give the world to my last nigga. I wanted to show him how he made me feel. How good I felt inside. I still do. I want to see him happy. Smiling. Because even when he hurts me I still love him. 

See the last Nigga I loved is still the only nigga I love. The only Nigga I’d drop the world for. Open myself up to and give my all to. 

I crave everything about him. From his touch to his laugh to his smile. All of it. But…I know he’s not ready. He can’t give up his lifestyle. 

He’s used to the girls, these easy girls. I can’t expect him to just change when he’s not ready. I want him but I don’t want that. I’m so stuck on him it’s tragic. I can’t stay away. And he knows it. But does he care? I’m rambling but my emotions are so strong right now. I’m being selfish. I don’t know if I’m ready to be with him right now but I don’t want to see him with anyone else. Ion want anybody making him happy like that but me. But I can’t expect him to sit and wait for a shawty who lives across the country and can’t even decide if she hates it loves him. 

The last nigga I loved made me crazy. The emotional connection drove me over the edge made me feel things I’ve never felt…sometimes I want my last nigga to be my only nigga..