Manic ramblings of a maniacĀ 

Drowning. In darkness and pain. Can’t really say why because I don’t know why. It’s heavy like I can’t breath and it’s just heftier heavier. Thought tears would release it make it lighter but no. All I can think is I deserve this I deserve pain I don’t deserve happy I’m not worthy and I’d be lying if I said I was happy lately because I’m not life is crazy it’s taking all these turns I didn’t expect like idk what God tryna say man but can he hurry up and make it clear. 

Idk why I did this with him. Why I let myself get open get involved. He knows me. My weaknesses my pain my bare soul. He’s seen it. All of it. He don’t run from it but sometimes he uses it to his advantage. He don’t love me but he do love me. I love him tho. Too much. Too much love emotion all of it too much. I shoulda stuck to myself my plan the things I’m used to. Past made me not like to get close to people not let them see me now he’s seen and he stayed and it’s crazy because no matter how hard i push he’s still here and it’s like what

It’s survival of the fittest and I ain’t fit. I’m backing up backing away putting in space. This isn’t ok it is t right I don’t like this game anymore. There’s no place for me no space I’m pushed off on the edge getting the morsels. I just need an ear I need a shoulder listening words not of encouragement but understanding somebody get me help me I don’t want medicine but maybe I need it maybe everybody was right maybe I’m never gonna amount to anything I keep screwing up I keep messing up I’m not following my path I’m so lost its sad

I keep asking and talking but nobody is hearing I keep fighting the thoughts the whispers but they’re here keep coming back caressing my neck licking my ear they want me to give in but I can’t

I need a backbone but they’re all tired everyone is tired I have too many issues side effects of a pain gone past I can’t let it control me but can’t live with it I wanna give up let it consume me but then I’m weak nobody understands put yourself in my shoes my head my life my mom was right nobody wants somebody with all these problems all these hang ups I deserve to be alone I don’t deserve friends love nothing 

I’m worthless a failure 22 and nothing good has come I destroy everything I fuck up I have no one because everyone is sick this is hard so hard to fight I want help but I’m alone I don’t want to stage anybody with me taint them with this

It’s crazy I thought people cared like I did but no I’m tired sick can’t just keep giving to people and not getting anything in return it’s draining so draining so tiring so sleepy can’t keep doing this just getting lost because I can’t keep finding myself it keeps getting harder and harder I keep losing never winning I’m laying here letting water run nothing make sense tears mingling with shower head thoughts rambling the process of a manic this is wild 

This is the way my mind moves during an episode. I’m so full of racing thoughts and feelings that I can’t control myself. I sit curled in a ball away from everyone and struggle to keep myself together. See everyone says “oh just work through it. Think positive.” But that’s not how mental illness works. How do you think it away when the problem is your thoughts? I’ve battled this for years. Since I was 13 I’ve quietly fought my downs. His them and pretended to be fine until I was alone. I thought with age it would get better. I denied I had a problem. Refused to get help. And it’s only gotten worse. But I won’t let this define me. Control me. I won’t become my mental illness. Instead I’ll just keep pushing. Keep fighting. I may even seek help. But I won’t give up and I won’t give in. 

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Untitled Emotions

It’s so earlyOr maybe it’s late

But see my mind and heart

It’s hurting, reeling, going crazy

Telling me maybe, possibly

I ain’t living right

Like maybe this ain’t ok

That somewhere along the path 

I lost my way

Because now I can’t find the light

And the darkness inside me

It keeps trying to break free

It wants to consume me

Destroy me

I keep seeing my past

Tangled with my future

Dancing this odd dance

Of tragedy and adventure

It’s crazy

Actually I’m crazy

I keep going back to the dark 

Because I secretly like it

It reminds me I’m alive

Reminds me I fought and survived

I am so terribly broken because of it

But not as broken as I was

When I met

Him

His love

Wow

It fixed me

But it destroyed me

Sent me over the edge

Free falling headfirst

Deeper into the darkness

It confused me

He saw the pain

He saw the cracks in my mask

And he didn’t run

It didn’t scare him

It intrigued him

Piqued his interest

He’d never met something so beautiful 

And so broken

He told me I was too amazing

Too good to feel this pain

To surrender to the darkness

And so he began to fix me

Suddenly he became my light

My life support

The thing that pulled me up for air

Gave me breath

Consumed me with warmth

And a tinge

Of

Coldness