Lately I felt like this is something I need to express, get off my chest, and help myself move on. Its been hard growing up holding in and hiding what happened to me. It affected me so much worse in the long run than in the moment. at the time my younger self didnt know what my (biological) cousins was doing was wrong. Didnt know that my foster brothers werent supposed to be touchig me like that, down there. I didnt know that any of it was wrong. All i knew was that it hurt and i didnt like it but i had to do it. because i had to protect my brother and they said if i didnt theyd make him. even then my young 4 and 5 year old mind understood i had to protect my brother. had to hold him close and keep him safe from the bad things in life. thats all I’ve done growing up. hold the people i love the most close to my hart and protect them from the things in life i was scared would hurt them. instead allowing them to hurt me instead. taking everyone’s pain and just returning happiness and joy. its damaged me beyond repair tho. I’m scared to fully commit myself to a man because of the monsters i encountered. scared to let somebody love me because i don’t even have love for myself. I’ve allowed my demons to control my life. to keep me in the shadows and constantly hiding from the things and people i know could make me happy because of the actions of those in my past. I’ve spent the last 15 years of my life scared and bitter, refusing to let anybody truly see the woman i am. i constantly pushed the people who loved me the most out, while letting in the people who barely knew me. i knew that if i let in those temporary people, id be a little less hurt when they used me because its to be expected. but i knew i couldn’t handle it if one of the ones i loved left me.
for fifteen years i subconsciously let my abusers control me. even though they were long gone, they still held power over my life. and the longer i held it all in, the worse i became. the farther i fell down that dark hole into insanity. by the time i turned 18 i was so far gone my mom didn’t even recognize me. i was smoking all the time. skipping classes and rehearsal just to get high. just to get that quick moment of happiness to back out the darkness that constantly surrounded me. i hated myself. i was disgusted overtime i looked in the mirror. all i saw was damage. a weak girl who meant nothing to nobody. i didn’t see the people around me that cared about me. i didn’t see the support system i had. all i saw was the pain and self hate bubbling beneath the surface of my skin. of course i put on a show. didn’t let people see how fucked up id truly become. i went to college and fell into a cycle of constant alcohol. i drank every weekend. not light little drinks, not, i drank like a frat boy. hard liquor. many nights spent crying on somebody bathroom floor as i threw up and asked god why he made me like this. why he allowed life to become so bad. i got put on academic suspension and left school. i never went back. i went home and continued my frenzied spiraling descent into my darkness.
for two years i had constant anxiety attacks. bouts of month long depression waves where id sleep for hours on end, only waking to work and maybe eat. manic episodes where i was either crazy happy or crazy sad. contemplated suicide again as i battled with my mother over my own life and choices. i lost weight. i became a shell of the girl id once been. i had so much built up anger and pain that i became a ticking time bomb ready to explode at any moment. i began to date a guy who was far more fuced up than me but so much more better at hiding it. he knew what i needed to hear to be fake happy. he knew what to say to win my heart. instead of being the thing to push me up and build me and help me grow and recover, he became another monster to drag me down and prey on my weaknesses.
summer of 2015 i planned a trip with my best friend. my life had gotten so bad that i needed to get away, if only for a week or two. i chose california because its my home and my whole family is here. the weeks passed and as our trip grew nearer, more and more obstacles kept popping up, things became worse at home and i became closer to self destruction. i dint think id make it to cali. then the trip came and the moment i stepped off the plane i knew. this is where i was meant to bee. where i was always meant to be. that this would be my second chance to fix my life and get right. i chose to stay and within that choice i took my first step into recovery. And by some weird chance of fate my cousin had somebody he knew that i could stay with. trusted my cousin because i know he’s always looking out for my best interest.
and by doing so my cousin brought somebody into my life that helped me far more than id ever imagine possible. i gained somebody who from the moment we met did nothing but see in me all the things i didn’t see and force me to finally see them. he told me exactly what i needs to hear not what i wanted to hear. he pushed me harder than anybody else has before. his with in me led me to grow. to push away the lingering shadows of my past and put it all behind me. within him i not only found support, but a best friend and something else. my road to recovery wouldn’t have come so far if not for him and the people back home. if not or the kindness and support of somebody i barely knew, i wouldn’t be where i am. he showed me i deserve better. i am better and i can be better. through him i saw myself for how i really am, not how i thought i was. through my friends back home i saw how strong i am. how dedicated and deserving i am. through them all i found love.
i still have my days where i stumble off the road. where i slip back into a depression and begin to shut myself off. but on those days i turn to the people who love me the most and through them i find the strength to get back on that path and keep pushing. i won’t stop until i am no longer the broken girl my abusers left me, but instead a whole woman full of love, life and happiness.