Feelings

 

I’ve never felt so
Connected
To somebody
So at home
So at peace
So comfortable
So open, I loved it
I turned to you for everything
To make me laugh when I hurt
To push me up when I fell
You became my best friend
You saw the damage inside me
and
all the pain I carry
The scars than ran deeper than skin
it didn’t scare you away
Instead you saw how strong
it could make me
How my pain could mold my happiness
You saw in me all the things
everyone else couldn’t see
And
In you I saw the man you’d be
I got to watch you grow
From boy to man
From selfish to selfless
The closer you got to God
The closer you got to my heart
It was like
Everything about you
set my soul on fire
And my body aglow
I’ve never met anybody who made me feel so good
It was amazing
And scary
So
So
Scary
To feel myself
Fall
Utterly
Hopelessly
In love

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Lost it

Somehow we lost it. You used to be my best friend. My number one confidant and partner in crime. You were so much more than just my “man”. You were somebody my soul cried out for. Tho the connection was instant the love came gradually. For me it started in the way your eyes looked at my body. At my face. Like I was the most beautiful thing you’d ever seen. I felt so carefree with you. Weightless. I forgot my problems. My pain. My sorrows and worries. You melted it all away. I knew I could turn to you for anything…and then…it changed. The kisses became less frequent. The I love you’s went unsaid and ignored. Everything became a fight. Instead of pulling me close at night, holding me tight to your chest..you began to push me away. Turn away from me…you stopped looking at me like I was blessing and instead looked at me like I was nothing. I stopped feeling loved I stopped feeling wanted. I’m not innocent I played a part too, I closed you away and shut down when I felt the pain. But then I tried. I fought so hard to save our love…but you stepped back. You stopped caring. I brought t up only to be shut down with “you’re crazy” and “you think you know everything” “things are going to b ok things are going to change” but what changed? You tried to pacify me and tell me what you thought I wanted to hear but the whole time you sat in my face telling lies. I felt my heart breaking and now Im faced with a decision. Stay and believe or pack up and leave? But leaving somebody you love is easier said than done..

Again?

Here I am. Heart broken again. But I have no one to blame but myself. See I constantly put myself in these situations and it leaves me broken and angry. I see how things are and yet I still push forward with hope that it’ll change. I ignore the signs and choose to be blind to what’s unfolding right in front of my eyes. Being completely ignorant to the fact that the man I love was pulling slowly away. I acted as if I did not feel the distance or the cold space between us. But then the coldness crept in and the darkness faded away and I finally admitted and saw. I finally began to see how I continued to allow myself to survive off of false hope and empty dreams and ignore the reality that sat in front of me. And now I’m left sitting, trying to figure out how much longer I can allow myself to be walked over before I put my foot down?