more manic ramblings from a loose string

I’ve been living too fast and too loose. thinking that all the good I do would come back tenfold one day.  that maybe i could break the cycle i as so carelessly born into and make something of myself. seems i cant tho. i keep ending back at square one: alone and with nothing trying to find a way and the will to keep going. kinda crazy isn’t it? how in a matter of a few short weeks you go from having it all to nothing at all. from feeling a sense of belonging to feeling like a waste. i always wondered why this was my life…then i realized its my own toxicity. i want to feel needed i want to feel loved that ill let anybody treat me any way just because i want a little of that feeling…that security…i cover pain with smiles and tears with laughs acting as though i enjoy this path..when i want much more than to be somebody after thought. their floor mat and I’ve even been a punching bag once or twice in the past for some. but i have never been the light. the sunshine the warmth. always the dark lonely hole I’ve dug for myself. I’ve spent so much time focused on the kind of love i don’t want and the kind of person i cant let myself become…that i pushed myself straight into it. I’ve hit rock bottom and then feel even further than that. the value i had on the things i held tight is no longer there. the world has finally broken the spirit that burned so bright.  I’ve lost all sense of who i am and the quiet possibly strength to keep fighting to find her. i am slowly becoming content with being this sad broken version of a girl because in the end i have no one but myself to blame.