Anxious and insecure rambles

A heavy heart and an anxious mind. MY head and heart can’t seem to agree with anything. Struggling with insecurities, convinced of my own inadequacies I can’t move forward. I am not good enough. I am not beautiful enough I am not what I want. I sit and I stare in the mirror with tears slowly falling from my eyes asking god why. Why can’t I let myself be happy? Why can’t I love myself the way others love me? I want to see what they see. The strong beautiful girl who smiles even when she’s breaking down. Instead all I see is my flaws. The nose I wish was smaller the lips I want fuller the tummy I need flatter waist slimmer hips wider and ass fatter. I hate myself. I have a man who loves me but I feel I don’t deserve him. I find myself staring at him and comparing myself to the other women in his life. Why me? I am not the best looking nor the best personality wise. I am problamatic. I come with issues no other man would want to deal with. I can’t control my temper and often end up exploding on him. Throwing things as I cry and scream how much I hate him and then collapsing into his arms moments later shaking and crying as I apologize and quietly ask god, why me? Why must I battle with these demons who seem intent on destroying my soul…these ups and downs, these switches in my mind I can’t control them. Theyre destroying me slowly, one day at a time. “Just be happy” he says. “You’re strong enough to fight this, I know this.” But am I? Can I defeat the cycle, conquer my demons before they conquer me? Or am I destined to unravel and destroy everything good in my life? 

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I think my life is falling apart

Lately my episodes have been worse. My temper shorter and my anxiety attacks longer. I can count the days on one hand where I haven’t been consumed by soul crushing sadness. Where I haven’t been left in my bed alone crying until no sound came out and my eyes swelled and my heart broke. Days where I pushed away the one person I need to feel safe. Instead of continuing to rise out of the hole my problems have made , I’ve hit a loose rock and fell back down, almost to the pit. I hate feeling like this. Crazy. Unbalanced and emotionally insane. Torn between feeling ecstatic everyday or painfully broken everyday. There is no in between. I try to hold off. To fight the impending darkness and waves but I can’t. It leaves me shaking and unraveling at the edges. Then he comes around. Like a sun spot to my rainstorm. But instead of accepting and embracing I push. I can’t let anybody see me this broken and damaged. I lash out and behave in ways I normally wouldn’t. Screaming and yelling as I cry and act irrationally. Pushing him away and yelling DONT TOUCH ME. I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU ANYMORE while in my head I’m confused on why my words and sounding like that. Almost like I’m watching somebody else pretend to be me. Wondering where this anger and sorrow is coming from. Crying while he holds me and calms me down. Asking what do I need to feel ok. How can he help make it go away. He knows I want to be ok. To be “normal” to be like everyone else. I didn’t ask for these problems. They just got progressively worse and the years wore on. I started to become this person I didn’t know. This angry person who pushed away everyone who wanted to love me. This anxious woman who panicked over everything. This depressed child who stopped eating and spent days in the dark sleeping because the world hurt too much for no reason.
The thing is I don’t know anymore . I’m scared. I’m scared to get help. Scared I won’t be myself anymore. I’ll be some shell of a girl pumped full of pills. To move through life in some kind of subdued, muted haze. Almost like walking through fog. I’d be ok but would I really be ok?
But I’m scared to continue on like this. To keep allowing myself to succumb to these attacks, these fits, these bursts of manic insanity. To keep pushing away the only man to love me other than my father. Scared I’ll end up alone because who wants to deal with a broken soul in a shattered shell?

Recovery Road

Lately I felt like this is something I need to express, get off my chest, and help myself move on. Its been hard growing up holding in and hiding what happened to me. It affected me so much worse in the long run than in the moment. at the time my younger self didnt know what my (biological) cousins was doing was wrong. Didnt know that my foster brothers werent supposed to be touchig me like that, down there. I didnt know that any of it was wrong. All i knew was that it hurt and i didnt like it but i had to do it. because i had to protect my brother and they said if i didnt theyd make him. even then my young 4 and 5 year old mind understood i had to protect my brother. had to hold him close and keep him safe from the bad things in life. thats all I’ve done growing up. hold the people i love the most close to my hart and protect them from the things in life i was scared would hurt them. instead allowing them to hurt me instead. taking everyone’s pain and just returning happiness and joy. its damaged me beyond repair tho. I’m scared to fully commit myself to a man because of the monsters i encountered. scared to let somebody love me because i don’t even have love for myself. I’ve allowed my demons to control my life. to keep me in the shadows and constantly hiding from the things and people i know could make me happy because of the actions of those in my past. I’ve spent the last 15 years of my life scared and bitter, refusing to let anybody truly see the woman i am. i constantly pushed the people who loved me the most out, while letting in the people who barely knew me. i knew that if i let in those temporary people, id be a little less hurt when they used me because its to be expected. but i knew i couldn’t handle it if one of the ones i loved left me.

for fifteen years i subconsciously let my abusers control me. even though they were long gone, they still held power over my life. and the longer i held it all in, the worse i became. the farther i fell down that dark hole into insanity. by the time i turned 18 i was so far gone my mom didn’t even recognize me. i was smoking all the time. skipping classes and rehearsal just to get high. just to get that quick moment of happiness to back out the darkness that constantly surrounded me. i hated myself. i was disgusted overtime i looked in the mirror. all i saw was damage. a weak girl who meant nothing to nobody. i didn’t see the people around me that cared about me. i didn’t see the support system i had. all i saw was the pain and self hate bubbling beneath the surface of my skin. of course i put on a show. didn’t let people see how fucked up id truly become. i went to college and fell into a cycle of constant alcohol. i drank every weekend. not light little drinks, not, i drank like a frat boy. hard liquor. many nights spent crying on somebody bathroom floor as i threw up and asked god why he made me like this. why he allowed life to become so bad. i got put on academic suspension and left school. i never went back. i went home and continued my frenzied spiraling descent into my darkness.

for two years i had constant anxiety attacks. bouts of month long depression waves where id sleep for hours on end, only waking to work and maybe eat. manic episodes where i was either crazy happy or crazy sad. contemplated suicide again as i battled with my mother over my own life and choices. i lost weight. i became a shell of the girl id once been. i had so much built up anger and pain that i became a ticking time bomb ready to explode at any moment. i began to date a guy who was far more fuced up than me but so much more better at hiding it. he knew what i needed to hear to be fake happy. he knew what to say to win my heart. instead of being the thing to push me up and build me and help me grow and recover, he became another monster to drag me down and prey on my weaknesses.

summer of 2015 i planned a trip with my best friend. my life had gotten so bad that i needed to get away, if only for a week or two. i chose california because its my home and my whole family is here. the weeks passed and as our trip grew nearer, more and more obstacles kept popping up, things became worse at home and i became closer to self destruction. i dint think id make it to cali. then the trip came and the moment i stepped off the plane i knew. this is where i was meant to bee. where i was always meant to be. that this would be my second chance to fix my life and get right. i chose to stay and within that choice i took my first step into recovery. And by some weird chance of fate my cousin had somebody he knew that i could stay with. trusted my cousin because i know he’s always looking out for my best interest.

and by doing so my cousin brought somebody into my life that helped me far more than id ever imagine possible. i gained somebody who from the moment we met did nothing but see in me all the things i didn’t see and force me to finally see them. he told me exactly what i needs to hear not what i wanted to hear. he pushed me harder than anybody else has before. his with in me led me to grow. to push away the lingering shadows of my past and put it all behind me. within him i not only found support, but a best friend and something else. my road to recovery wouldn’t have come so far if not for him and the people back home. if not or the kindness and support of somebody i barely knew, i wouldn’t be where i am. he showed me i deserve better. i am better and i can be better. through him i saw myself for how i really am, not how i thought i was. through my friends back home i saw how strong i am. how dedicated and deserving i am. through them all i found love.

i still have my days where i stumble off the road. where i slip back into a depression and begin to shut myself off. but on those days i turn to the people who love me the most and through them i find the strength to get back on that path and keep pushing. i won’t stop until i am no longer the broken girl my abusers left me, but instead a whole woman full of love, life and happiness.

Recovery Road

Lately I felt like this is something I need to express, get off my chest, and help myself move on. Its been hard growing up holding in and hiding what happened to me. It affected me so much worse in the long run than in the moment. at the time my younger self didnt know what my (biological) cousins was doing was wrong. Didnt know that my foster brothers werent supposed to be touchig me like that, down there. I didnt know that any of it was wrong. All i knew was that it hurt and i didnt like it but i had to do it. because i had to protect my brother and they said if i didnt theyd make him. even then my young 4 and 5 year old mind understood i had to protect my brother. had to hold him close and keep him safe from the bad things in life. thats all I’ve done growing up. hold the people i love the most close to my hart and protect them from the things in life i was scared would hurt them. instead allowing them to hurt me instead. taking everyone’s pain and just returning happiness and joy. its damaged me beyond repair tho. I’m scared to fully commit myself to a man because of the monsters i encountered. scared to let somebody love me because i don’t even have love for myself. I’ve allowed my demons to control my life. to keep me in the shadows and constantly hiding from the things and people i know could make me happy because of the actions of those in my past. I’ve spent the last 15 years of my life scared and bitter, refusing to let anybody truly see the woman i am. i constantly pushed the people who loved me the most out, while letting in the people who barely knew me. i knew that if i let in those temporary people, id be a little less hurt when they used me because its to be expected. but i knew i couldn’t handle it if one of the ones i loved left me.

for fifteen years i subconsciously let my abusers control me. even though they were long gone, they still held power over my life. and the longer i held it all in, the worse i became. the farther i fell down that dark hole into insanity. by the time i turned 18 i was so far gone my mom didn’t even recognize me. i was smoking all the time. skipping classes and rehearsal just to get high. just to get that quick moment of happiness to back out the darkness that constantly surrounded me. i hated myself. i was disgusted overtime i looked in the mirror. all i saw was damage. a weak girl who meant nothing to nobody. i didn’t see the people around me that cared about me. i didn’t see the support system i had. all i saw was the pain and self hate bubbling beneath the surface of my skin. of course i put on a show. didn’t let people see how fucked up id truly become. i went to college and fell into a cycle of constant alcohol. i drank every weekend. not light little drinks, not, i drank like a frat boy. hard liquor. many nights spent crying on somebody bathroom floor as i threw up and asked god why he made me like this. why he allowed life to become so bad. i got put on academic suspension and left school. i never went back. i went home and continued my frenzied spiraling descent into my darkness.

for two years i had constant anxiety attacks. bouts of month long depression waves where id sleep for hours on end, only waking to work and maybe eat. manic episodes where i was either crazy happy or crazy sad. contemplated suicide again as i battled with my mother over my own life and choices. i lost weight. i became a shell of the girl id once been. i had so much built up anger and pain that i became a ticking time bomb ready to explode at any moment. i began to date a guy who was far more fuced up than me but so much more better at hiding it. he knew what i needed to hear to be fake happy. he knew what to say to win my heart. instead of being the thing to push me up and build me and help me grow and recover, he became another monster to drag me down and prey on my weaknesses.

summer of 2015 i planned a trip with my best friend. my life had gotten so bad that i needed to get away, if only for a week or two. i chose california because its my home and my whole family is here. the weeks passed and as our trip grew nearer, more and more obstacles kept popping up, things became worse at home and i became closer to self destruction. i dint think id make it to cali. then the trip came and the moment i stepped off the plane i knew. this is where i was meant to bee. where i was always meant to be. that this would be my second chance to fix my life and get right. i chose to stay and within that choice i took my first step into recovery. And by some weird chance of fate my cousin had somebody he knew that i could stay with.  trusted my cousin because i know he’s always looking out for my best interest.

and by doing so my cousin brought somebody into my life that helped me far more than id ever imagine possible. i gained somebody who from the moment we met did nothing but see in me all the things i didn’t see and force me to finally see them. he told me exactly what i needs to hear not what i wanted to hear. he pushed me harder than anybody else has before. his with in me led me to grow. to push away the lingering shadows of my past and put it all behind me. within him i not only found support, but a best friend and something else. my road to recovery wouldn’t have come so far if not for him and the people back home. if not or the kindness and support of somebody i barely knew, i wouldn’t be where i am. he showed me i deserve better. i am better and i can be better. through him i saw myself for how i really am, not how i thought i was. through my friends back home i saw how strong i am. how dedicated and deserving i am. through them all i found love.

 

i still have my days where i stumble off the road. where i slip back into a depression and begin to shut myself off. but on those days i turn to the people who love me the most and through them i find the strength to get back on that path and keep pushing. i won’t stop until i am no longer the broken girl my abusers left me, but instead a whole woman full of love, life and happiness.

My Toxic Romance 

I dated a broken boy 
pretending to be a whole man
A lost boy trapped in xanny land
He was used to running through girls
Never forming legit attachments
Just strong sexual attraction
He warned me and then proceeded to woo me
Told me he loved me
But really he just wanted to fuck me
His lips spilled these beautiful words
About love and trust
A future, about us
And I ate it up, every word
Drank it down, his lies parching the thirst
for acceptance and affection
He became my sick addiction
My toxic fix that I craved
Like a fiend I held on to every word
So drunk on the lies
I couldn’t see between the lines
Couldn’t see the toxic tendrils creeping in
The way he pulled back as I dove in
Slowly tho the cracks began to show
The truth beneath that facade started to creep
And slowly I began to pull back the curtain and peek
I saw the darkness he had within
I saw his poison creeping in
Slowly it moved along my skin
Seeping into my pores and blood
Rushing and consuming me until I no longer knew who I was
Until I lost myself and became a shell
A broken piece of poison just like him
A sad empty girl, lost in a dark lonely world 

No more

Ion wanna hear your lies anymoreThey’re poison to my soul

Empty things that give me false hope

Lead me on, make me feel like it’ll change 

What a joke 

It’s all still here, still the same

You’re playing a game w/my heart 

And I can’t take it anymore 

I see through things now, I see the light

I have so much love for you but this can’t be right

I can’t be number two or three to somebody I make number one

The strings you’ve been tugging

You’ve pulled too tight

They’re so taught, so tight

Ready to snap

At the slightest touch

And shatter this image youve made

This foundation you built on games and lies from the start

It’s slowly crumbling, falling apart

I can feel it, deep inside

I don’t wanna back away, give space

I wanna stay and fight…

But I don’t know if I can

My hearts grown cold it’s grown dark and weak

My souls gone quiet I can’t hear it speak

I stopped caring, I’m numb to it all now

I don’t like this, I gotta get back somehow

But my heart won’t let me, my mind keeps denying

Saying it ain’t worth it, I don’t deserve this

I can do better, I need better

I try and I try and just end up back where I was

Staring at you, barely seeing me

Pulling you while you push me

Stuck in this sad loop

Listening to lies and convincing myself they’re truths

The rabbit hole

Slipping down the rabbit hole again,I can feel the heavy darkness rubbing my skin

I smile warmly, no longer afraid

Because see me and this darkness are quit close

Feeling this darkness is like seeing an old friend again

I twisted part of me cherishes it

Enjoys it

Craves it even

My heart speeds up as my skin heats up

The darkness grows closer

It’s weight growing heavier

Almost

Suffocating

Alarm races through my skin

This isn’t right

This isn’t normal

This shouldn’t be happening

The darkness is my friend it shouldn’t be hurting me

But…something is different

Not quite the same this time

The darkness is…darker

Dangerous

My rabbit hole has gone from sanctuary 

To prison

No wait coffin

What was once my place to run

Turn to when I had lost it all

But now

I’m trapped and I can’t escape

The darkness is consuming me

And the light has left me..

Manic ramblings of a maniac 

Drowning. In darkness and pain. Can’t really say why because I don’t know why. It’s heavy like I can’t breath and it’s just heftier heavier. Thought tears would release it make it lighter but no. All I can think is I deserve this I deserve pain I don’t deserve happy I’m not worthy and I’d be lying if I said I was happy lately because I’m not life is crazy it’s taking all these turns I didn’t expect like idk what God tryna say man but can he hurry up and make it clear. 

Idk why I did this with him. Why I let myself get open get involved. He knows me. My weaknesses my pain my bare soul. He’s seen it. All of it. He don’t run from it but sometimes he uses it to his advantage. He don’t love me but he do love me. I love him tho. Too much. Too much love emotion all of it too much. I shoulda stuck to myself my plan the things I’m used to. Past made me not like to get close to people not let them see me now he’s seen and he stayed and it’s crazy because no matter how hard i push he’s still here and it’s like what

It’s survival of the fittest and I ain’t fit. I’m backing up backing away putting in space. This isn’t ok it is t right I don’t like this game anymore. There’s no place for me no space I’m pushed off on the edge getting the morsels. I just need an ear I need a shoulder listening words not of encouragement but understanding somebody get me help me I don’t want medicine but maybe I need it maybe everybody was right maybe I’m never gonna amount to anything I keep screwing up I keep messing up I’m not following my path I’m so lost its sad

I keep asking and talking but nobody is hearing I keep fighting the thoughts the whispers but they’re here keep coming back caressing my neck licking my ear they want me to give in but I can’t

I need a backbone but they’re all tired everyone is tired I have too many issues side effects of a pain gone past I can’t let it control me but can’t live with it I wanna give up let it consume me but then I’m weak nobody understands put yourself in my shoes my head my life my mom was right nobody wants somebody with all these problems all these hang ups I deserve to be alone I don’t deserve friends love nothing 

I’m worthless a failure 22 and nothing good has come I destroy everything I fuck up I have no one because everyone is sick this is hard so hard to fight I want help but I’m alone I don’t want to stage anybody with me taint them with this

It’s crazy I thought people cared like I did but no I’m tired sick can’t just keep giving to people and not getting anything in return it’s draining so draining so tiring so sleepy can’t keep doing this just getting lost because I can’t keep finding myself it keeps getting harder and harder I keep losing never winning I’m laying here letting water run nothing make sense tears mingling with shower head thoughts rambling the process of a manic this is wild 

This is the way my mind moves during an episode. I’m so full of racing thoughts and feelings that I can’t control myself. I sit curled in a ball away from everyone and struggle to keep myself together. See everyone says “oh just work through it. Think positive.” But that’s not how mental illness works. How do you think it away when the problem is your thoughts? I’ve battled this for years. Since I was 13 I’ve quietly fought my downs. His them and pretended to be fine until I was alone. I thought with age it would get better. I denied I had a problem. Refused to get help. And it’s only gotten worse. But I won’t let this define me. Control me. I won’t become my mental illness. Instead I’ll just keep pushing. Keep fighting. I may even seek help. But I won’t give up and I won’t give in. 

Untitled Emotions

It’s so earlyOr maybe it’s late

But see my mind and heart

It’s hurting, reeling, going crazy

Telling me maybe, possibly

I ain’t living right

Like maybe this ain’t ok

That somewhere along the path 

I lost my way

Because now I can’t find the light

And the darkness inside me

It keeps trying to break free

It wants to consume me

Destroy me

I keep seeing my past

Tangled with my future

Dancing this odd dance

Of tragedy and adventure

It’s crazy

Actually I’m crazy

I keep going back to the dark 

Because I secretly like it

It reminds me I’m alive

Reminds me I fought and survived

I am so terribly broken because of it

But not as broken as I was

When I met

Him

His love

Wow

It fixed me

But it destroyed me

Sent me over the edge

Free falling headfirst

Deeper into the darkness

It confused me

He saw the pain

He saw the cracks in my mask

And he didn’t run

It didn’t scare him

It intrigued him

Piqued his interest

He’d never met something so beautiful 

And so broken

He told me I was too amazing

Too good to feel this pain

To surrender to the darkness

And so he began to fix me

Suddenly he became my light

My life support

The thing that pulled me up for air

Gave me breath

Consumed me with warmth

And a tinge

Of

Coldness

Better days

Closed eyes crossed fingersPraying for a better life

Holding tight to the dream

Of being something better

Someone better

Needing to have a better life

Can’t take much more of this darkness

Tired of trying to swim free of the tide

That constantly pulls me in

And drowns me in its sorrow

Closed eyes I pray for a better life

Cross my fingers 

Open my eyes and find my shitty life

Still here

Screaming and yelling asking God why

Why must he punish me

Why must he test me

Can’t he see how weak I’ve become

How broken I am from carrying this burden he placed upon my shoulders

So beat down I can barely stand

Against the wind raging within

My mind body and soul

Whispering to me

Telling me

I can’t escape it I can’t run

Except maybe I can

Maybe I can get free

Maybe I can escape

If I just believe hope and pray

My life will change

So eyes closed fingers crossed 

I pray pray pray for a better life

A second chance to start over

And become someone new.